My fear has been following me for so long and I don't know what to do...
My worst nightmare just happened to me last October. That night was unforgettable. People might think it's nothing for them but for me it's like one of the scariest things that could ever happened to me. I couldn't explain how it hurts me badly, but it just did. That was the time when my tears were more than the water I drank. I had been crying for 24 hours non-stop (except when I fell asleep). That was the reason why I stopped joining, socializing and so on for a period. I was too afraid that the same thing would happen to me again. To be honest, I couldn't forget about the past, even until now. Whenever I start to recall about that night, I'll still cry. T.T
A friend told me she was surprised that I would go back to that place again. She thought I would never ever like forever go back there. After she said so, I've thought about it. I was kinda shocked that I would say yes to go back there. Cause normally I won't... I would just hate that place and the people there to the max... but this time I didn't. I was so surprised too. At first I was scared to go back there, but after that it wasn't so bad at all. Not so scary anymore. I believe that He has been there for me to guide me through my fear. :) Though I wouldn't say I've totally overcame my fear but yea... At least it's better than before. I didn't cry that much when I thought of that night. Hopefully soon I won't be crying about it at all. I know with Him, I can do this. :)
I have to say, till now I'll still keep on thinking about "what if the same thing happen to me again?" "what if I will lose faith if I have to face it for the second time?" That would be a disaster I guess. That's why I'm still struggling whether to join sometime. Because from what I see, people who knew each other earlier than you, their relationships with one another will always be stronger than the relationship with the one that came in late. So yea... (I'm crying when I'm typing this. shit) I know I can never be "that" close with them cause there are too much things I don't know about them and they didn't share with me... That's why I'm so afraid of joining sometime.Worried about being left out. I don't like how one treats me when he/she knows that I'm so afraid of............ yea... I feel like that person accompanies me just because he/she wants to "take care" of me instead of really be there with me as a friend. That hurts me even more cause it makes me feel like I'm a burden to them. Because of me, they couldn't hangout with the people they wanted to hangout with. Because of me, they couldn't do what they want to do. Because they need to accompany me so that I don't feel so alone. For me that makes me feel so bad. I feel very guilty. I really don't like that.
But anyway, from the day He touches my heart, I've put my trust on Him. :) and I put my faith in Him that He will guides me through my fears, picks me up from the mess and rebuilds my confidence. Most importantly, I believe that with Him, I can forget about the past and stand back straight like I used to be. He is able! He is good! He will never leaves anyone who believes in Him. :) <3 p="p">
I thank You! <3 :=":" p="p">
